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It's simple: fear is at the heart of just about all unproductive behavior.
Whenever anyone seems particularly stubborn, unresponsive, blind to what's
happening, unwilling to collaborate or compromise, you'll almost certainly find fear.
Of course, the person involved is unlikely to admit it, even to herself.
No one wants to admit to being afraid, especially not at work where there's so much invested
in being confidently decisive. (That would include you!)
When fear is involved, rational discussion, logical argument, and
apparently obvious reasoning gets you exactly nowhere (except frustrated!).
So before you try to persuade — or command, for that matter — take a moment to
put yourself in the other person's situation and ask yourself a few questions.
- What might concern, worry, or bother you if you were in her shoes?
- What do you know about the person that could help you understand where his anxieties
lie? For instance, some status-conscious managers feel that the number of people who
report to them is a direct indicator of their importance. Reduce the head count of
their team, and they feel very threatened and fearful.
- Looking at the answers to these questions, can you see a fear-driven logic to their
actions? It may still not "click" for you personally — your fears in
similar circumstances could be quite different — but when you look at a situation
from an external perspective, the reactions and behaviors of others often suddenly make
sense.
As you go through this process, try to stay away from judgment and
criticism. Fear isn't rational. Your goal is to be as objective and compassionate as
you can, so that you can use your understanding to have a more productive conversation.
Once you've found the fear (and remember that you're making
educated guesses; don't decide that you're 100% correct!), consider
how you can address it without making the other person feel even more vulnerable and fearful.
Your word choice is crucial; you want to create more safety, not less!
When you connect gently with the fear and
demonstrate that you understand it, the other person is much more likely to be able to hear
and respond rationally to your logical approach to solving the problem — especially
since you'll be in a position to create solutions that acknowledge and respond to his
fears.
Here are a few tips for connecting and creating safety. Mix and match;
don't just go with one; they work especially well in combination.
Be Curious
Ask leading questions that start with "I wonder" or "What
if?" It's a great way to approach touchy subjects with caution and
compassion. For instance, "I wonder what you're feeling about the staffing
shakeup?"
Be Abstract
Remove the other person from your questions or comments and talk in the
third person — or even put yourself into the situation. You might say something like,
"I know I'd feel disrespected and really annoyed if they told me I was going
to lose half my staff!"
Be Quiet
After you've made a comment or asked a question, allow silence to
play a part in the conversation. When anxieties run high, it can take someone a few moments
to collect her thoughts and decide how to respond. If you can wait without jumping in to
fill what may feel like an endless pause, you're much more likely to get a sincere and
thoughtful response. And you're more likely to avoid saying
anything you'll regret later!
Be Careful
Go slowly, and stay alert for signs that you've made someone feel
more nervous and fearful rather than less. When you proceed
with caution, you can truly become the hero of the situation, as several of my clients
have enthusiastically reported to me. Go too fast, pick the wrong words, or state the
wrong assumptions as if they're facts, and you run the risk of making the situation
worse, not better.
In Summary…
When you look at any odd or off-kilter situation objectively and
compassionately, you can identify what fears could be at play. Then you can offer
solutions that respond to those fears. Do this a few times, and you'll develop a
reputation for insightful negotiation and mediation skills. You'll also find that
by being honest with yourself about your own fears, you'll feel more grounded, less
anxious, and more able to make decisions that are responsive to what's really happening
instead of what you're afraid might happen.
"Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood.
Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less."
Marie Curie (1867-1934), Polish-born French physicist and chemist, only winner
of Nobel prizes in two different fields (Physics and Chemistry), and first female
professor at the University of Paris.
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About the Author: Grace Judson is an
executive coach and business consultant with more than two decades of experience in
strategic planning, coaching, business planning, and tactical execution. She specializes
in corporate politics and culture issues, and is especially interested in gender politics
and the issues of women and gender role expectations in the workplace. For more
information, go to:
www.svahaconcepts.com.
© 2008 Grace L. Judson. All Rights Reserved. Reprinted here with permission
granted by the author.
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